Trip to the Dentist
by McGinty's331
Summary: Because of Ray's stupidity in not brushing well, he end's up with a cavity, and soon the whole family goes up into flames in a feud because of a movie the whole famiy saw on HBO one night. NOW FINSIHED.
1. Trip to the Dentist

"THE TRIP TO THE DENTIST"

Debra was at the table in the kitchen doing the bills when Ray entered to get something to eat. Ray looked in the refrigerator for about three minutes looking for something good when he pulled out a sandwich.

"Dinner's going to be ready soon." Debra told Ray as Ray was unwrapping the sandwich.

Ray looked at the sandwich, then at Debra, back at the sandwich, and then back at Debra with an undeceive face - he was afraid to choose between the two, Debra's cooking or a tasty sandwich that no one could resist. Ray finally choose the sandwich, and took a bite.

"Ow!" Ray yelled as he chewed the sandwich, and put his hand up to his mouth in pain.

Debra stopped what she was doing, and turned around to look at Ray.

"What?" Debra asked.

"My tooth!" Ray replied.

"Let me have a look." Debra said as she got up from her chair, and went over to Ray.

"Where does it hurt?"

"My tooth! What do you think, my groin?"

"I can make it hurt there if you want me to!"

"You leave my boys alone! I'm afraid you might try to 'cas-ter-trate- me one of these days, just like in that movie with the guy who was cheating on his wife!"

"What?" Debra asked.

"You know, that one you were watching on HBO the other night!"

"Oh, shut up!" Debra replied.

"Lemme see both your hands!"

"Shut up and let me take a look!" Debra yelled as she pulled Ray's mouth open.

"Which one hurts?" Debra asked.

"His eft un." Ray tried to reply.

"What did you say?"

"Tis eft on."

"I don't speak German, buddy." Debra replied.

Ray pulled away from Debra. "This left one!" Ray pointed at the tooth.

Debra looked inside Ray's mouth for a second or two.

"You probably have a cavity. You need to go to the dentist to check it out." Debra told Ray.

"The what?" Ray yelled as he backed away from Debra.

"The dentist, Ray. The dentist."

"No way in hell am I going back to that place! Haven't been there in four years, and I'm not going to go back now!"

"You need to have your teeth checked out, Ray."

"You remembered the last time I went there."

"Yeah, I do. That damn sexy nurse tried to hit on you!"

"No! Not that!" Ray started to smile.

"You better wipe that smile off your face before I DO castrate you!"

Ray stopped smiling.

"Anyway, you don't need to go back to that dentist. You can go to the one the kids go to." Debra told Ray.

"But...but...how come I can't go back to the other dentist?"

Debra went over to one of the kitchen drawers and pulled out a knife.

"Oh, that's why." Ray looked down at his groin. "Don't be scared of the mean lady I call my wife! She wouldn't actually do it!"

Debra took a step forward.

"Now be scared!" Ray ran out of the kitchen.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ray sat on a medium sized wooden block in the dentist waiting room full of little kids, and their parents. Two kids sat in chairs on each side of Ray, and were higher in the chairs then Ray was on the block.

Ray looked at one of the kids.

"Are the dentists good here?" Ray asked the kid.

The kid looked at Ray.

"Yeah. They give out lollipops."

"Which kind, the ones with the bubble-gum or the kind with the tootsie-roll?" Ray asked.

"Both." The kid replied.

Ray and the kid went silent.

"I like the bubble-gum kind. Because after the lollipop you get to chew the gum, you get more." Ray told the kid.

"That's nice." The kid replied.

"Hey, have you ever tried to count how many licks that it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" Ray asked the kid.

"I don't like lollipops. I give them to my sister. My daddy says that lollipops are bad for your teeth."

"Oh, your dad must be a right..." Ray stopped when he saw the kid staring at him.

"Never mind." Ray said as he turned to the other kid.

"Do you like it here?" Ray asked the other kid.

"Aren't you a little old to be coming to this dentist?" The other kid asked Ray.

"My wife's idea. My wife didn't want me being with all the sexy nurses around at the adult dentist. She threatened to 'cas-ter-trate' me." Ray told the kid.

The kid turned to his father and asked him what 'cas-ter-trate' meant.

"Where did you learn a nasty word like that, son?" The father asked.

"The man next to me daddy."

The father got up and looked at Ray in disgust.

"What the hell have you been teaching my kid you sicko?"

Ray fell off the block.

"Nothing! The truth! My wife threatened to 'cas-ter-trate' me if I went to the dentist with the sexy nurses!"

"That's castrate you stupid idiot!"

The father grabbed his kid and stormed out the door.

All the kids then turned around to their parents and asked them what 'cas-ter-trate' meant. The parents all looked at Ray in disgust as Ray got back onto the block.

"Now your kids know a little about human biology!"

The nurse came out and called for Ray. Ray slowly got up and faced the parents that were all looking at him and slowly backed into the offices.

Ray entered the dentist's office with the dentist.

"Good to see you again, Ray. It's been a long time." The dentist and Ray shook hands.

"Not long enough." Ray laughed.

"Where's the kids?" The dentist asked.

"Oh, no! It's not their time to come back yet. I was wondering if you could take a look at my teeth, today?"

"You know this is a children's only dentist?"

"Yeah, I know, but my wife doesn't want me going back to the dentist with all of the sexy nurses." Ray replied.

"Ah, the sexy nurses. They do a lot of business down at that dentist if you know what I mean!"

"Yes I do." Ray and the dentist started to laugh.

The two stopped laughing.

"So, could you take a look at my teeth?' Ray asked.

"Sure, why not, take a seat."

Ray looked at the small dentist chair, and went over to it. Ray tried to fit in the chair, but his knees went up to his chest. Ray started to fidget around to try to get comfortable. The dentist stared at Ray and smiled.

"Tight fit." Ray told the dentist. The two smiled.

The dentist moved the tray of instruments over to where Ray was sitting. As Ray fidgeted, he then knocked over the tray. The dentist, again, stared at Ray, and tried to smile.

"Sorry." Ray said.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour later, Ray entered the kitchen with Debra talking on the phone, Robert and Amy sitting at the table, Marie sorting out the cupboards, and Frank scrounging for food. He took out a sandwich with one bite in it."Frank, put that down! Dinner's going to be ready soon!" Marie said.

Frank looked at the sandwich, then at Marie. He then threw the sandwich back into the refrigerator.

"Okay! Thank you!" Debra said as she hung up the phone. She then stared at Ray in disbelief.

"Hi to you, too." Ray responded.

"I can't believe you!" Debra yelled at Ray.

"What?" Ray asked.

"Yeah, what?" Robert asked, smiling.

"I just got a complaint from the dentist the kids go to saying that Ray over here told a seven year old the word castrate. Then made a mess in the dentist's office!" Debra yelled.

"He said what?" Robert asked in disbelief.

"Castrate." Debra replied.

"What?" Ray asked.

"I still can't believe you!" Debra said. Marie butted in.

"Why would you say a thing like that, especially to a seven year old.? Marie asked.

"Dad told us worse words than that when we were seven. Remember the visits to the lodge?" Ray told his mother.

"Frank! I can't believe you! Teaching my boys those types of words!"

"It was for their own good! They needed to know about human biology." Frank defended.

"How come I was never taught any of those words?" Robert asked.

"We thought you wouldn't have been able to take those words like a man, Nancy." Frank laughed.

Amy cuddled Robert.

"I won't be able to go back to that dentist ever again! I'll be humiliated!" Debra spoke.

"No you won't dear. How do you know that you're not already?" Marie asked.

Debra gave Marie a filthy look.

"Especially with those type of looks." Marie added.

"Damn dentist!" Ray yelled out.

"So you don't like the dentist, huh son? Do what I did! Get them removed and have these babies put in! No maintenance required!" Frank pulled out his false teeth then put them pack in.

"Oh stop it Frank!" Marie commanded.

"What?" Frank asked.

"I have a cavity!" Ray announced.

Robert got up from the chair he was sitting in, and went over to Ray.

"Oh, poor Raymond! Raymond's got a cavity! The whole world should just stop to comfort Raymond. Raymond...Raymond...Raymond..." Robert said sarcastically.

"Oh, stop it Robbie." Marie commanded as she went over to comfort Ray.

"How sweet! Raymond's got a hole in his tooth. Well I've had a hole in my heart for the last..." Robert was interrupted by Amy.

"Are you having an affair with me?" Amy asked.

"What? No! I meant I have a hole in my heart from my mother!" Robert tried to explain.

"Am I not good enough for you?" Amy asked.

"Never blame your mother Robbie!" Marie yelled.

Frank went over to Robert.

"So you're cheating on the broad, huh? Good for you! I wish I could of...oh wait..." Frank said.

Marie went over to Frank after hearing that.

"You've cheated on me, haven't you?" Marie asked Frank.

"Well after forty-seven years I think I need something new!" Frank replied.

"Who was it? It wasn't Harriet Lictman was it?" Marie asked. Frank smiled.

"Oh my god! It was! It was Harriet Lictman! That damn nazi! You know, I should leave you right now!" Marie yelled.

"It's about time! I'll help you pack." Frank responded.

"But I'm not! Till death do us part!" Marie yelled. Frank stopped smiling, but came up with something else to keep him smiling.

"How do you know she wasn't the only one?" Frank asked.

"I really should just leave you, but I'm staying just to torture you!" Marie yelled.

"Torture me all you want, but when we get home, there will be a surprise waiting for you...if I can only get unjammed and out of the chamber!" Frank yelled.

Marie the slapped Frank, and headed for the kitchen door. "I'll torture you! No dinner tonight!" Marie yelled as she stormed out.

"What? Marie wait!" Frank started to go after Marie, but stopped and ran to the refrigerator. He took out the sandwich, and then ran off for Marie.

The kitchen was silent. Amy then slapped Robert and ran out. Robert chased after her.

"Wait my schnuckums!" Robert yelled.

The kitchen, silent once more.

"Huh." Ray smiled. "We should really go on 'Family Feud'."

Debra smacked Ray.

"What was that for?" Ray asked.

"For hating the dentist you god-damn anti-dentite!" Debra yelled as she stormed out of the kitchen and went into the living room to go upstairs.

"Stupid dentist!" Ray yelled.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Part Deux

"TRIP TO THE DENTIST"

PART DEUX

Ray walked into the bedroom where Debra was rubbing lotion on her hands.

"Hi..." Ray said to Debra silently.

"...Hi." Debra replied. Ray then kicked off his pants and sat on the bed throwing something under his pillow.

"Listen, Debra... I'm sorry about before. I never meant to start World War Three this afternoon."

"I know you didn't, honey... but that's what you do, you start things." Ray wanted to argue, but saw a knife on Debra's bedside table. He paused, staring at the knife.

"You okay?" Debra asked. Ray still looking at the knife.

"Ray? Ray?" Debra asked while shaking him.

"Oh yeah! I'm fine! How about a hug?" As Debra started to go for Ray, Ray quickly pulled from under his pillow a pair of oven mitts. He quickly put them on Debra then wrapped them around with duct tape.

"Ray! What in hell are you doing?" Debra asked, shocked.

"Don't worry Debra, this is for my own good!" Ray yelled. He then looked down at his crotch. "You're both safe now!" Ray then got up and picked up the knife. It was rather small and dull.

"Ray, that's a nail filer." Debra responded. Ray then looked at the filer.

"It still looks sharp to me!" Ray yelled as he exited the room.

"Get your ass back in here and get these things off of me!" Debra yelled to Ray.

Ray quickly reentered the room and went over to his side of the bed. He got his pillow and started for the door.

"Forgot my pillow, I'll sleep on the couch." Ray replied to Debra.

"You're damned right going to sleep on the couch! And no more sex either."

"You got it! Sex is not worth the end of my boys!" Ray hurried out the room. "Good night!"

"Ray! Ray!" Debra yelled. Ray did not come in the room. "I wonder if he'll like his boys done medium-rare or well-done?" Debra asked herself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ray was eating cereal the next morning when Robert entered. Robert was tired and groggy, and was still wearing yesterday's clothes.

"Hey." Robert slowly said as he dragged himself into the kitchen.

"What happened to you?"

"You wanna know what happened to me?" Robert got edgy.

"You had sex with a dingo or something, and lost!" Ray laughed.

"You! You is what happened to me! Amy was still angry last night, and she told me to get out of the bed, and sleep somewhere else! You wanna know where I slept?"

"I'm sure the dingo didn't kidnap you, because you're a little big to drag to the car." Ray laughed again.

"I had to sleep in my patrol car! In Manhattan! Away from here! FAR away from here! Because my wife threatened to castrate me if I came near the house!"

"Manhattan?" Ray asked.

"Yes! Manhattan!"

"Why didn't you just rent a hotel room?" Ray asked.

"Hotel?"

"Yeah, for you and the dingo!" Ray laughed once more.

Frank then entered, he looked refreshed. Frank went over to Ray, and patted him on the shoulder.

"Thank you, my boy! That was the best sleep I've had in a very long time! Marie's mouth wasn't even moving, last night! I could finally sleep without that annoying large voice yelling in my ear to stop farting! I guess she's finally gotten used to the smells!" Frank laughed.

"Funny." Robert said sarcastically.

"What's with you, lover boy?" Frank asked.

"He didn't sleep well." Ray replied for Robert.

"Didn't 'sleep' well, huh son!" Frank laughed.

"I slept in my patrol car!" Robert yelled.

"Too cheap to get a room?" Frank asked.

"No! It's not like that!" Robert defended.

"I guess he didn't want Amy to find out about those ladies at the Plaza!"

"You lucky bastard!" Frank told Robert.

"I didn't sleep in a hotel with other women! I slept in my car!"

"All the better!" Frank laughed.

"I'm leaving!" Robert yelled as he walked for the kitchen door.

"And don't forget to get rid of the bra and pantyhose in the backseat before Amy sees them!" Ray joked. Frank and Ray both laughed.

Robert stormed out of the house.

"So, dad. Why didn't mom get on your case last night?" Ray asked.

"Lemme just say that, she hasn't looked down there for the last three years! She's afraid to venture into the unknown!"

"Okay, nightmares... I'm now going to have nightmares of you until the day I die." Ray replied.

"Even I don't venture down there anymore!"

"I have to go to the dentist now!" Ray said as he quickly got up from the table.

"Could I come?" Frank asked.

"I'm not going to the one with the sexy nurses, Debra would kill me."

"I heard that she's already picked out your tombstone!" Frank said as Debra entered the kitchen.

"Ray Barone, castrated then decapitated by his own wife." Debra responded.

"Have a great day!" Ray slowly backed out of the kitchen.

When Ray left, Frank was still sitting at the table while Debra was getting a cup of coffee.

"Say Debra, how about breakfast?" Frank asked.

Debra turned to Frank with an angry look.

"Okay! You enjoy your day!" Frank got up and exited the house.

"Idiots." Debra responded.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ray was sitting on the same wooden block in the dentist waiting room, surrounded by kids. One of the kids turned to Ray.

"Aren't you a little old to be coming here?" The kid asked.

"I'd go to the adult dentist, but my wife would..." Ray stopped to look at the kid, then leaned forward to see who the kid was with. Ray saw that the kid's father was a large, muscular guy.

"Mind your own business kid!" Ray quickly yelled.

The kid started to cry, and turned to his father. The father soon got up, and went over to shrimpy Ray on the block.

"What have you been telling my kid!" The father yelled.

Ray fell off the block. "I said nothing to him! Just to mind his own business!"

"Why don't you tell that to me, short stuff?"

"No! Because if I do you'll kick me in my you know where, and I don't need anymore of that because my wife has been kicking up there for the last few days! She's been threatening to cas-ter-trate me as well!"

The guy stopped, then looked around the room.

"Oh... I'm sorry little buddy. Damn! She actually threatened to castrate you?"

"Yeah!"

"My wife just threw me out of the house when she found out that I was cheating on her with one of those damn sexy nurses from that other dentist. She didn't even take out a knife! Damn those sexy nurses."

"Those sexy nurses have caused a lot of trouble." Ray replied.

"Yeah, but what can you do. They do do it good though. If you know what I mean?"

Ray laughed, then stopped.

"No, I don't know what you mean because I've never done it with a hot looking nurse. Just my wife."

"Bummer. Well, see you later." The large guy and his son left the dentist waiting room.

"Mister Barone, you're next." The nurse came out and said.

Ray started to walk toward the nurse when he tripped over a tonka truck. He then got up and gave the broken truck to the kid. The kid started to cry. Ray went back to the kid and showed the kid that the truck was still good. As Ray rolled the truck on the ground, the wheels fell off. The kid started to cry even more.

The nurse was starting to get impatient. As Ray tried to calm the kid, the kid's mother came up from behind and started to hit Ray with her purse. Ray ran over to the nurse.

"Car trouble." Ray joked as the nurse and him went into the back area.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Debra, Amy, and Marie were sitting in Marie's kitchen, just talking.

"I can't believe Robert! He never even came to bed last night! I heard that he had slept in his car in Manhattan! Why would he do that?" Amy asked.

"He must have thought that you were angry with him. Really angry that you would have wanted to castrate him." Debra replied.

"Castrate him? Why would I want to do that?" Amy asked.

"To get back at him for what he had done." Debra replied.

"I was angry at him at first, but then I started think about it. Then I thought that who else would want to have sex with Robert? No one! Then I became un-angry. Why would I want to castrate him:

"What's this castrate thing?" Marie asked. "It sounds so chic."

"Marie, it's not chic at all." Amy said.

"It's when you... Marie... um... slice and dice a man's... you know what..." Debra stumbled.

"Oh my! That's sounds so... why would anyone want to do such a thing?"

"Come on, we'll show you. Amy, you rented the movie?" Debra asked.

"I sure did. It's all set in the V.C.R."

"A v.c.r.? I didn't know we had one of those! What is it?" Marie asked as the three of them went into the living to watch the video.

**2 HOURS LATER**

"Oh my god!" Marie got up and ran out of the living room.

"You think she got the picture?" Debra asked.

"I think she got a very good picture." Debra and Amy went into the kitchen to talk to Marie.

"Why would anyone do that to their own husband?" Marie asked.

Frank stormed into the kitchen. As he was going into the living room he demanded, "Marie! Lunch!" Frank then sat down on the couch to watch television.

From the kitchen, the three of them heard Frank. "What the hell is this crap? 'Fatal Attraction'? I'm turning your sissy Lifetime movie crap off!"

"Oh yeah, I see what you mean." Marie told Debra and Amy.

"It even works on cheating husbands. Harriett Lictman?" Amy asked.

"Oh! Even better!" Marie got all excited.

Ray and Robert both entered the kitchen at the same time.

"Oh god!" Robert said after he saw Amy, Debra, and Marie.

"There's gonna be hell! Let's split!" Ray yelled. Ray and Robert tried to exit the kitchen.

"Hold it!" Debra yelled.

Ray and Robert stopped.

"Ray, come over here." Debra commanded.

"Well, good luck little brother. I'll be sure to pick out a nice coffin for ya." Robert tried to sidle his way out of the kitchen when Amy stopped him.

"Robert! You too!"

Ray and Robert went over to their wives. Expecting yelling and hitting, Ray and Robert were really surprised when Amy and Debra hugged them. Ray and Robert looked at each other in confusion. The hugging soon stopped.

"So, how was the dentist?" Debra asked Ray.

"It was... it was fine. They even gave me a bubble gum lollipop!" Ray showed the lollipop to Debra.

"That's great!" Debra patted Ray.

"I think I like the dentist." Ray smiled. "It didn't even hurt."

"See!"

"Listen Debra, I'm sorry for uh, taping your hands together inside oven mitts."

"I'm sorry too." Ray and Debra hugged.

"Amy, I'm sorry too. And I have never cheated on you and I slept in my car last night, not in any hotel room!"

"Oh Robert!" Amy and Robert hugged.

"This is so beautiful!" Marie started to cry.

The four stopped hugging again.

"You know what to do, right Marie?" Amy asked.

"I sure do!""

"Okay! Good luck! Come on boys, lets go!" The four left the house.

Marie went over to one of the kitchen drawers and pulled out a butcher knife.

"I wonder how Frank would like his boys done? Simmered in tomato sauce or put into a pie?"

Then she went into the living room. Marie stood in the living room with a stern face.

"Marie! Where's my lunch? I'm starving!"

Marie slowly took a few steps toward Frank.

"You wanna cheat on me with Harriett Lictman? Then so be it!" Marie came closer to Frank.

"Marie? What are you doing? Marie?"

Marie came closer to Frank.

"Marie! Marie!"

**FADE TO BLACK.**

"Marie? Marie? Holy crap! Marie! Get that freakin' thing away from me! MARIE!"

**THE END**


End file.
